HYC Check In

So, this week was a pretty good one.

There was an incident with the easter chocolate bunny that was bought for me in Munich by my wonderful Frog. I told him not to touch it, because it was mine. What did he do? He ate the head, so me in my fit of "OMG GOTTA EAT IN NOW WHILE I STILL CAAAAAAAN!" ate the lot. Meh, it was only 80 grams worth, but it pushed me above my calories for the day by about 400. I shrugged it off. Shit happens, you know and I'm not going to uneat it by beating myself up. Besides, 400 calories in a week doesn't make for a gain.

That being said, I'm not really losing weight. I get down to around 104, then bounce right back up to 105, drop down, bounce up. However 2 months ago I was weighing in at around 108, so I'm losing, albeit slowly.

*phew!*

I can get pretty emo.

And you know what? I LOVE being grumpy. I revel in it. I can pull faces that get darker than a thundercloud like a freakin' CHAMP. I can sulk for hours. I really, really, really enjoy snarking, snarling and throwing dirty looks. It cleanses me. After a really good sulk, I'm pretty much good.

I also get extremely anxious and eat to soothe myself and I have always wondered how the heck I'm going to stop the emotional eating.

Yesterday I read this quote "People are only ever as happy as they make up their minds to be."

That hit me. That is profound. From today on I have made up my mind to be happy. I choose to look at things a new way. I knowingly look for a better way to deal with my life and nutrition.

What are you gonna do?

My jaw.

My jaw. She drops!

MAN, the Dutch are liberal in ways that you would never imagine. (And paradoxically, more uptight and conservative than you know...anyhoo.)

On the TV I just saw and ad for a pizza. I had muted out the ads, but it was an ad for New York style pizza, and subtitled, therefore in English - I love, love, LOVE NY-Italian accents, so I turned the sound back on. Just in time to hear this:

"New da double pizza. Two pizzas in one. It's fuckin' tasty."

Uh...who said WHAT now?

I still a little shocked. Not because I'm sensitive to the word...I use it occasionally (Sorry, Nanna) and I use it well.. but on TV on Prime Time? Like, woah.

The Dutch blow my mind. Srsly.

I've pretty much just finished reading The Ultimate Weight Solution by Dr. Phil and the biggest thing that I've taken from it is that I need to change the way I think and the way I live. Two MASSIVE consciousness shifts, but that's OK. I can do it. I'm prepared to do it. I need to do it.

I have indeed created a lifestyle for myself that creates obesity, and I don't want that anymore. I want to be calm and ordered around food and not snarf it back because it's there and I feel the need to shovel it in before someone takes it away from me. I don't know why I feel that need to get it down me so it can't be taken away. I've never, ever had to compete for food in my life. Ever. I do think however my parents have tried to restrict my food in the past so that might be where it's from. I have to realise that I can obtain food whenever I need it, and I'm a godamned adult, I can eat whatever I like, whenever I like so I don't need to bolt anything down while it's still on offer.

I learned my food choices are good, but they could be better, it's my emotional eating that I need to control by replacing binging with something else. I'm going to have to think about what that could be. I think housework is a bloody good idea because there are three benefits.

• I stay away from binging
• My apartment gets a badly needed clean
• I'm moving

I also need to give up the television. I've lived without a telly before and I can do it again. It really ain't no thang. I hope the resistance from the Frog isn't too great.

BTW - don't eat asparagus then pee in the shower. Stinky.

Healthy You Challenge Update.

So I slink back to this journal, full of remorse. Well, less remorse than just a feeling of being pretty well just jolly disappointed in myself, missy. Don't make me come over there and have to smack myself. I mean it!

I have been WAY off plan. Eating past the point of being full, eating foods that give me an acid stomach, no energy - I feel like rubbish. And OMG the THIRST! It's like I've suddenly got rabies and I'm hydrophobic - what is up with THAT? I've been feeling like I would rather go thirsty than drink water.

I few posts back I asked the rhetorical question of "Have I hit rock bottom, or do I have further to go"? Well, a tightness in my chest I think is giving me the answer. It could easily get worse. I wonder if I'm eating myself into a heart attack? I don't think it's the food that I'm eating that's doing it, per se, as I'm eating reasonably good foods, whole wheat bread, yoghurt, milt, salmon, pasta etc, but I think it's the stress I'm putting on my body by sporadic junk food binges and overloading my system with the "healthy-ish" foods when my body isn't asking for them. I shouldn't kid myself either, I DO go on junk food binges, and the farthest I've come in being able to figure out why is that I use it to calm my anxiety.

== A little ADD-esque aside ==

The weather today is schizophrenic. 5 minutes ago, literally 5 minutes, it was gloriously sunny. Within three minutes, clouds so dark they made the day turn to night rolled in and dumped a MASSIVE load of snow on Amersfoort with thunder and lightening, it's easing now and in 5 minutes, it will be gloriously sunny again. Coming from the North Island of New Zealand, I've never seen snow growing up, so I'm endlessly fascinated by the variances of Dutch spring weather. So's my cat. He's been running from window to window trying to get a better view of the falling white stuff, he even tries to eat/hunt the flakes that land on the outside of the window. Bless, he doesn't quite get it. He's stupid, but he's happy! :)

(In the time it took to type this, the storm cloud has moved on and it's sunny again. Wee!)

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*ANYHOO!*

Today I'm back on plan. I'm making some salmon, courgette and tomato for lunch, and this evening I'm going to make myself a pasta with tomato paste and boursin cuisine. (It's to die for, you don't even notice you're eating whole wheat pasta!) I'm going to the gym this afternoon, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

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I have some random thoughts though that I was up to nearly 4am last night thinking.

• This blog is good for me because my family doesn't read it, so I can use any language I goddamn please. Read no further if you can't handle the swears.

• I need to make a schedule of when I go to the gym instead of just going when I go, you know?
  

• Cinnamon is aparantly good for getting rid of belly fat and man I need to do some sit-ups.

• Watching less TV can only be good for me. I might actually find time to do some *gasp* housework!
  

Ach, I dunno. I don't really know how things are going to go from here - I guess it's just one foot in front of the other now. I'm desperate to reach my goals and I'm kidding myself that I can do it without dieting.

I could use some encouragement

• 
  

Today I finally got a job after being unemployed for 2 and a half months. I am so fucking relieved it's not funny.

I have a degree - a Bachelor of Arts - yet I was doing secretarial work, not using my language skills and hating the work. HATING it because I SUCKED at it and I hate being at someone else's beck and call. But hey, bills to pay and clothes to buy, know what I mean?

Now that I've turned 30, I thought it was time to get my A into G and actually get into the career that I want - translation. I even did an internship with a translation company in Amsterdam. Today it all came to fruition - I got a part time job, three days a week with a translation company in Utrecht, which is so damn AWESOME! Working part time also gives me the chance to pursue freelance work which pays more. Hahah ROCK!

Oo, however - there is one point of failure. Yesterday I went over my calorie allotment by *5* calories, and today over by *3* calories.

OH! oH! OH! oH! Oh! The overeating! *languid hand to forehead* I shall die! :)

I was watching Oprah yesterday and it was a programme about quitting smoking. Every single person in the audience was a smoker, and she even had a panel of people sitting up front who were tested and interviewed and so on. One man said something that stuck with me and I've been thinking a lot about ever since. He said "There's always tomorrow. I get through it one day at a time by saying to myself "You can smoke tomorrow".

Wow, because as you know, tomorrow never comes.

Isn't that interesting?

I read a blog from a lady who says she deals with her cravings by saying "You want 3 litres of ice-cream?? Oh well." It's like a recognition of the internal three year old stamping her feet and throwing a fit, but not actually giving her what she wants. Which I suppose is also what "You can do it tomorrow" is - recognising the fact that you want to eat stupid amounts of food, but not actually doing it - or giving yourself permission, but not quite. It's really rather all quite sneaky.

It's worked for me so far with other things as well. Yesterday a craving for Doritos, you can have them tomorrow. And today, I don't really feel like them. Perhaps if I want them tomorrow, I'll get them, but for now - meh. I'm cool.

Who'd have thunk it?

When ever I feel like crap and want to scratch the world's eyes out, this song helps to pull me out of it.



It's called "Dom, Lomp en Famous" (Dumb, Lumpen and Famous) and it's by The Opposites - a Dutch rap group, featuring Willy Wartaal. Yes, it's in a foreign language, but it has a catchy beat, funny video with the guys looking like they're having a lot of fun running around Paris dressed up as Napoleon and acting like unselfconcious fools....it's awesome.

For those that like their music in English, try this:

http://www.digipost.co.nz/work/videoplayer.php?flv=/media/deihamo.flv&mywidth=480&myheight=360

Doesn't that rock??!! It's from a New Zealand group called Dei Hamo, it was filmed in Auckland (my home town, yo) and there are heaps of references to other cities in NZ (That big neon sign saying "Welly"? - That refers to Wellington, our capital) and other NZ personalities. Plus, once again, it looks like they're having a ripping good time. That's important.

Feeling like death warmed up? Rock out to some happy beats.

I wonder if I have reached rock bottom, or if I have further to go. Do I have to reach rock bottom before I change? I am so sick of being this weight, I weigh around 105-107 kilo at only 5' 2". That's scary fat. I caught a glimpse of myself today in a shop window and I saw my double chin and mouth distorted into a permanent frown from the fat and I looked.....stupid, unintelligent, ugly. In a mirror I saw that my belly comes out as far as my breasts now and my breasts are slung low like a fat old woman's. I felt so heavy and lazy and didn't want to move, my jeans waistband (at size 50/22) was digging into my stomach and all I wanted to do was go home, get into soft trackpants and sit on the couch for the rest of the day. I do not feel good about me or my size.

My best friend, Rajneel, has embarked on another diet - he's being super strict on himself. I'm thinking the best thing for me is also to be strict, to follow a stringent diet until I learn to eat properly again and get down to a better weight. I have the goal of getting down to 79 kilo for when I go to New Zealand. I will be able to wear better clothes, fit in the airline seat better, fit better in my family, shop for better clothes in New Zealand and hopefully be fit enough to do a two day walking trail on the South Island.

Goals - 79 kilo by 15-12-2008
- two day hiking tour on the South Island in December 2008.

Some tactics (?)
- 30 minutes of exercise a day, for my benefit, housework counts.
- 10 billion times more fruit and veggies than normal that is to say fruit and veg at every meal.
- weigh only once a week
- in bed by 10:30 or 11 every night
- 3 "bloempot" glasses of water/herbal tea every day.

I'm called "Weight Loss Cloggy" for two reasons.

1. I live in the Netherlands, where people traditionally wear clogs. A Dutchman can be called, if not somewhat flippantly, a cloggy.

2. The internets is a series of tubes and I'm clogging 'em with this blog. Oh God, the hilarity and cleverness. She slays me!!